2016 Year in Review: Beijing's Biggest Assholes

Just as we were compiling our list of the biggest jerks of the year, along comes a contender for the Top 10 with this clip:

Yes, this shameful drunkard dropped his drawers and relieved his bladder on Beijing Subway's Line 6, much to the suprise of his fellow passengers (also, can we stop for just a second to ask why some grown men still piss like how mummy used to make them?). It's one thing to urinate in public against a wall in a dark hutong when no one's looking, it's another thing entirely to do it on the subway, under bright flourescent lighting, and make everyone look at your bare arse while doing it.

And while this case may be worthy of say a Top 20 ranking of our biggest jerks of the year, it fails to crack our Top 10. So let's have a look back at our list of the Biggest Beijing Assholes of 2016.

1. Smog
Seriously, smog, you're still the f*cking worst.

2. Mark Zuckerberg
The red-headed tech wunderkind's reputation for genius may have been called into serious question in 2016, after a viral photo of him jogging maskless in Beijing left many netizens mocking him for being too eager to pander to the PRC.

3. Man-Eating Tigers (and Their Victims Who Ignore Warnings)
Any illusions about such beasts being cute and cuddly were quickly dashed for any viewers of this surveillance video, which recorded a tiger attacking an unfortunate Badaling Zoo visitor that left the safe confines of her car. The victim's family has since gone on to sue the facility, despite its claims to have posted clear warnings that visitors stay in their cars, making an already tragic situation all the worse by an ensuing bitter legal spat.

4. Yashow's Management
Sure, the quality of their wares was always in question, but many of us foreigners still enjoyed visiting Yashow vendors for quick and easy el-cheapo purchases. The tumultuous revamping of the market into an upscale shopping center made no one happy, and to make matters worse, they kicked out the one tenant that was making it a place to visit. Currently the place is shuttered, with a few street-facing shops hanging on for dear life.

5. Uber/Didi, For Killing Uber's English App
Just when catching a ride in Beijing became super easy and convenient for foreign residents and visitors, Uber sold out to Didi, nixing its English functions and driving its English-speaking customer base away. Oh well, at least we have the far more convenient Mobike app to help us get around and raise our heart rates with good old fashioned exercise, instead of the anger and frustration that is too often prompted by the drivers we get stuck with while using car hailing apps.

6. Shunyi's Racist German Expat
A belligerent foreigner drew the ire of Chinese netizens in November after getting into an altercation over a parking spot and resorted to calling the nation's populace a "bunch of bastards." Reports say that he lost his high-ranking position at Daimler for the outburst, and that along with the online uproar prompted us to compile a list of tips to keep other expats cool, calm and free of similar anger induced controversies.

7. Taxi Cash Scammers
It's enough of a hassle to successfully flag down a taxi in this town. Such trying experiences don't need to be made any more cumbersome, but that's exactly what happens on a regular basis as drivers pass off counterfeit bills as change or via a bait-and-switch tenchnique onto unsuspecting passengers. The police thankfully caught the immoral driver, but his brazen attempt leaves us to wonder how many such cabbies successfully get away with it.

8. Dave the Laowai Spy (and Whoever Came Up With Him)
It might sound sexy to date an international man of mystery, but not after seeing the propaganda posters slapped up at subway stations around National Security Day in April. Those posters depicted an unsuspecting Chinese woman's foreign beau, Dave, as a no-good spy, leaving her to deal with the legal ramifications. As if the content of the posters wasn't egregious enough, Dashan took the lead as the foreign protagonist, insulting all foreigners living in China. If we're going to be vilified, it would be nice to at least be bestowed with more style, although his Chinese was pretty on-point.

9. Busybody Tattletales
In March, a finger-pointing Chinese citizen was rewarded with RMB 3,000 for telling the authorities about a foreigner who had been acting suspiciously. Though the accused was later found to be not guilty of terrorist acts, the person who made the tip still got to pocket the money anyway, leaving some of us to wonder why people are being rewarded for information that proves to be false.

10. The Bitchy Beijingers Who Said This Beauty Queen Was Not Beautiful Enough
Though Beijing-born Ariana Quan was deemed beautiful enough to compete in the Miss America Pageant representing her home state of Michigan, that wasn't enough to meet the lofty aesthetic standards of onlookers in her hometown. Beijing netizens scoffed at her success, saying (in far ruder terms) that she'd be given no such aesthetic accolades on the Mainland. Miserable as the exchange was, it at least prompted Quan to speak up, writing on her website "I find it absolutely imperative to speak out on subject matters that so many immigrants and foreign born citizens face in our ever polarizing society." Hopefully other young ladies facing such superficial issues can find some inspiration from Quan (rather than the beyond vacuous one-finger selfie, A4, iPhone 6-leg, coin-collarbone challenges that makes the rounds every other week), while snippy critics can be equally inspired to zip their lips.

And these are just the Top 10 ... some other contenders are  the attackers that rang in the New Year in miserable fashion by jumping an unsuspecting Canadian expat outside of a Gulou bar; fake food manufacturers passing off all manner of phony (and sometimes dangerous) foods like beetroot syrup as honey; the Deranged Lady Who Attacked Foreigners Outside a Church Service; and many more.

Congratulations if you made the list. If not, there's always next year to prove yourself.

More stories by this author here.
Email: kylemullin@truerun.com
Twitter: @MulKyle
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Photos: Youku, Facebook, Wikimedia Commons, ryankingcafe.com