Uncontacted Expat Tribe Discovered in Shuangjing

David Fertitta | Jan 13, 2018 1:00 pm | 2 comments | 2261 reads

This post comes courtesy of our partners at China Liar, Beijing's least reliable news source.

Earlier this week a group of isolated, previously undiscovered expats was found living in Shuangjing. Despite residing in Beijing for years, the clan of 10-15 English teachers had never previously made contact with the non-Shuangjing world.

The somewhat isolated bubble of Chaoyang District is known for being home to numerous remote tribes of laowai who rarely if ever travel beyond Guomao. However, even the most secluded of such groups tend to make their way out to trade and mingle with other expats at large-scale local ceremonies such as the Shuangjing Showdown, and yearly Shuangjing Block Party. This group though, who was first spotted during their weekly migration from Tiger Pancake House to the Brick, was so reclusive that they had somehow managed to go completely unnoticed by the civilized world for the better part of a decade.

Apparently, this particular group of native Shuangjingians originally suspected that the Sanlitun expats they first encountered were actually some sort of evil spirit, and thus initially met them with hostility. However, after a few tense moments and some offerings of goodwill in the form of chicken wings from Plan B (the tribe’s main source of nourishment), the scene calmed down considerably. Eventually, Gulou-based anthropologists were brought on the scene and were even able to meet with the leader of the tribe who allegedly asked the researchers (through the help of a translator of course), “Where are you from? What school do you work at?” before yelling “Cool, nice meeting you” and scurrying back into a large mall.

“Normally, we try and discourage outsiders from making contact with our region’s isolated peoples” stated Vivian Bradley, President of PONECO (The Preservation of Native Expat Culture Organization). “We understand that most people are just curious and don’t mean any harm, but they have to understand that these people’s immune systems and social lives are not prepared for the world outside of Shuangjing. It’s for their benefit that they stay where they are, even if that means that they live in complete isolation.” There’s no better example of such a mishap, than five years ago when a few native Wudaokou expat teachers were captured and brought to The Local in Sanlitun south, where they were put on display. In with hours, the bodies of the captured Haidian training center employees began to shut down from an overexposure to small talk. To this day, the whole thing is considered to be one of the greatest Expat rights tragedies of all time.

While most parties agree that the clan should be left free to roam Shuangjing as they have for the past eight years or so, the discovery of this remote society has undoubtedly been a monumental finding for all expat anthropologists in Beijing. We believe that BeiDa University Professor of Expat Studies, Katherine Patterson summed it up best when she said, “I mean, these guys only had 30 or so WeChat friends, and that list was built up over years! It’s crazy to think about. For example, where do they get their stickers from? Are they even in any ‘buy/sell’ groups? It all really just gets your imagination going. This is truly some National Geographic shit, and finding them has really brought out a sense of childlike curiosity in all of us in the academic community.”