Ministry of Culture: The Five People You Meet in Heaven ... Supermarket

For the Beijinger’s bars and clubs issue, we humbly submit for your edification, “The Five People You Meet in Heaven ... Supermarket.”

Or any bar in Beijing, really. All of them. We’re dealing in universal Beijing drunken archetypes today, my friends. This is a field guide. You can find these weathered and watered sorts hugging onto a bit of plywood for dear life all over the city; in fact, if you look hard enough and know the markings.

(We just wanted a title that was lifestyle journalism-y. Alternative: “Tuesdays with Migas.”)

RELATED: Drinking the Depths of Sanlitun Bar Street

The Drunken Historian
With a fading brow, and a complexion blotchy and red from years of staring burning China knowledge right in the damn face, The Drunken Historian is a common Beijing bar breed, identified by their mating call, which is telling anyone within earshot about the seven other bars the bar you’re standing in used to be, before it turned into the bar you’re in today. Ruled by instinct, The Drunken Historian longs to venture to their choice mating ground, which is pre-Olympics Beijing, a fertile place wherein one was routinely hoisted upon village peoples’ shoulders and celebrated for their rich cultural inner lives.

The Drunken Entrepreneur
With wide eyes and business cards that fan out like dazzling and exotic plumage, The Drunken Entrepreneur once thundered across Beijing’s networking events landscapes, only to have their numbers dwindle and fade due to the shifting harsh (economic) climate and human (copyright) infringement onto their natural habitat. Concerted efforts to save this breed, however, have yielded some success in WeChat sanctuaries on my iPhone, in which I keep getting added to their groups. There is hope.

The Drunken Critic
“China just can’t do Mexican food at all. And I know ‘cause I’m from California.” Behold, an encounter with one of the most widely dispersed Beijing bar breeds out there: The Drunken Critic. A diverse genus, their number has be traced and documented into the following sub-classifications: craft beer; authentic sushi; Beijing live music; cocktails, and the preparation thereof; China visa policy; hamburgers; taxis; and urban planning and development. Be wary of The Drunken Critic, lest you in actuality be dealing with…

The Drunken Brawler
A stout and ornery breed, The Drunken Brawler is often found locked in combat with their natural enemy, The Bouncers at Elements. Best viewed and enjoyed from afar, The Drunken Brawler has a short lifespan in Beijing, invariably crossing the path of Beijing’s most destructive naturally occurring bar phenomena: Dudes with Bats You Should Never Mess With.

The Drunken Artist
Like a phoenix rising from the dregs of a free wine deal from 6-9pm at a hutong photography show opening, The Drunken Artist dots Beijing’s nightlife landscape, adding much-welcome fluff and joviality to our otherwise dreary drinking scene. After a brief maturation period, The Drunken Artist realizes her or his adolescence in Gulou cocktail bars, wherein they can be found discussing a documentary movie he or she is conceptualizing. The species invariably matures into its natural, regal adult state … writing about bars and crap for the Beijinger, or whatever.

Happy hunting!

Photo: chinatoday.com.cn