An opium den for chocolate lovers

Abandon hope all ye who enter Max Brenner Chocolate Bar, which just opened at The Place. Those who enjoy chocolate may not care if they ever emerge.

My intention for this visit was simply to check out a new venue, taste an item, and report back to you, dear readers.

The actual outcome was somewhat different.

The New York-based, Israel-founded chocolate café chain is clearly not screwing around with its first China location: it occupies about 300 square meters split over two levels. When I visited on Thursday, ground-level seating still wasn't fully ready, and windows were open to air out the just-completed-construction smell. So new is the location that even Max Brenner's people don't seem to be aware of it – it's not listed among their international locations as of this writing.

Upon entering, Max Brenner has an "if Starbucks served chocolate" feel. One orders at the counter from a menu displayed above it, and then your beverage or food item is brought to your table. I scanned the menu and ordered something I thought wouldn't spoil my dinner (it was 5pm) and that I could try without consuming the whole thing. I chose a salted caramel milkshake RMB 45, which I learned upon further research has 1,539 calories, enough to power a human being through a half-marathon.

Max Brenner's signature Alice Cup

Said milkshake arrived in one of their signature Alice glasses, a half-open ceramic vessel with a special straw-holding hole at the top. "Inspired by Alice's Adventures in Wonderland – a story of everlasting fantasy – the cup enhances the fantasy aspect of the chocolate drinking ceremony," is how Max Brenner's website describes it. Oh please. Just gimme the damn thing already.

I told myself I would try the salt and caramel on the whipped cream, take two sips, and then be on my way. I'm glad that I was sitting in an area upstairs where no one could see me. I tasted the whipped cream with the salt and the caramel, and on a second pass, inhaled every remaining morsel of those three ingredients. Feeling suddenly flushed, I reminded myself, "Two sips, just two sips now." I took one sip, and moments later the Alice in Whateverthefck glass was at a 45-degree angle and my hand beneath my chin, not so that it didn't run on to my sweater, but so that not a single drop had a chance to get away. It was...um...would you excuse me for a minute?

Let's put it this way: Mr. Brenner seems to know what he's doing. This is real chocolate. Every flavor that the milkshake was supposed to have – chocolate, milk, salt, caramel – could all be tasted, and each one is of excellent quality. The drink suddenly finished, I composed myself and made my way out, putting my hand up to block the sight of the menu, out of fear that I might order something else.

Other menu items include their signature Hot Chocolate, which comes in five varieties: Classic Whipped, Melting Marshmallow, Italian Thick, Mexican Spicy and Salted Caramel, all priced RMB 35 to 40. They also sell serve Chocolate Chunk Pizza, by the slice, half, or whole pizza (RMB 40, 70, 120, respectively). It's topped with milk and white chocolate, along with toasted marshmallows. No kidding.

The Chocolate Pizza

If for some godforsaken reason you enter the premises looking for something other than chocolate, there’s a small selection of sandwiches and salads, including a Turkey Club Waffle Sandwich (RMB 95) and Bacon Avocado Caesar Waffle Salad (RMB 90). Like, who cares?

It appears that Max Brenner expects us to know who he is, and well, we didn't, and we don't expect the average Zhou will either. The name is actually the first name of one of the founders and last name of the other put together, which makes their slogan, "Chocolate By The Bald Man" not only unappetizing, but also confusing.

Though its headquarters are in New York City, Max Brenner’s was originally founded in Israel in 1996, and has since grown to 50 locations worldwide, including the US, Israel, Australia, Japan, Singapore, Russia nd Korea. It’s particularly popular in Australia, which hosts 38.

One immediate reaction: this is a brand that is way over-branded. It's obvious that everything has gone through nine focus groups and two different agencies. Beijingers may chuckle that this company also goes for the GIANT SLOGANS WRITTEN IN BIG LETTERS ON THE WALL format that Moka Bros. has employed, which is funny because there's an outlet of that local chain a stone's throw away.

Marketing bombardment aside, the only thing that would make this site more appealing for the chocolate lover would be daybeds. Marks & Spencer's opening and now Max Brenner's arrival seems to indicate a bit of a renaissance for The Place. Now if the outdoor mall would just offer more outdoors seating for its venues, including Bald Guy's Chocolate Bar.