Stop Being So Offensive: Top 10 Don'ts in China

Jessica Folker | Jan 20, 2013 6:00 pm | 10 comments | 12654 reads

German tourists. They're famous throughout the world for their Boy Scout-like preparedness and curt efficiency. We should all be more like them. So, what kind of advice do Germans get before coming to China? One German travel magazine published some tips that have gotten some buzz in Chinese. The guide, which introduces the concepts of mianzi (reputation) and guanxi (connections), was translated into Chinese, so we thought we'd pay it forward and translate the tips into English. Now you know how to be a German in China. Is the advice actually useful for life in Beijing? You decide when you read on:

1. Don’t criticize others in public when things don’t go smoothly--or even go completely wrong. There is nothing worse than to make a Chinese person feel embarrassed, especially in public.

2. Don’t say “no” directly, even if there seems to be no other solution or options. I know this is really hard, but you will pick up how to refuse politely by watching your Chinese friends.

3. Don’t mess with Chinese people’s noon break, especially when you are dealing with government officials. In Chinese education, students are taught that the noon break is very important to living a long life.

4. Don’t forget to dress up. In China, and many Asian countries in general, if someone is abroad, he or she should dress up out of respect. This is about mianzi.

5. Don’t forget your name card when you are invited to social affairs. Name cards show off a person's class or status.

6. Don’t avoid answering the private questions that Chinese people are throwing at you. In China, salary and marriage status is never something personal. And if a Chinese person asks if you’re still single after your 30s, your answer should be “no.” Otherwise, you might appear pathetic in your Chinese friends’ eyes.

7. Don’t eat all your food in a restaurant. If you wipe your dish too clean, you’ll be seen as being poor in China. Chinese people usually leave a little in their dishes to show that they are not that hungry. Also, it’s the worst curse if you stab your chopsticks in your bowl of rice, so don’t do that under any circumstances! Having dinner together is a good way to gain guanxi, so sometimes you’ll have to pay for the whole table. However, your Chinese companion might fight with you over who should pay for the bill. This, too, is a kind of tradition.

8. Don’t accept an invitation right away. Being invited to someone’s home is a great honor in China. You should at least say “no” once before you accept the invitation, which shows you’ve thought about this invitation and it means a lot to you.

9. Don’t forget the seating chart. In China, people take seating arrangements very seriously because it shows the importance of the guest. You’ll immediately know who the most important guest is once you are familiar with the seating chart. Here’s a tip: the most important seat normally faces the door if you are in a private room of a restaurant.

10. Don’t try to ask the Chinese directions. If you are lost with your map, don’t ask them. Many of them don’t speak English, but they are super friendly. In order to save face, they will try their best to take you to the destination they think you want to go.

Photo: Baidu.com

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britomart's picture britomart Submitted by Guest on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 14:09

Thanks! So much more to say about each of those points, but, well, most of it you just have to learn as you go. There's also differences depending on whether you spend more time with more traditional Chinese or with a more modern, younger crowd. For example, several friends of mine work for more modern, private companies, and their noon break is an hour, more similar to a Western company--and their bosses seems pretty strict about it. I, on the other hand, work for a Chinese company that is, in general, VERY traditional (used to be a government enterprise, though has recently privatized). There are a few colleagues who are a bit younger and not quite as traditional, but the 2-hour noon break is still pretty much inviolable. I'm always using that to my advantage, though, such as for project deadlines. Colleagues are forever telling/asking me to finish stuff "by lunchtime"--but I know that no one is going to really do anything with it until about 2 or 2:30, which gives me two or more hours of peace and quiet to finish stuff up, while boss and colleagues snore quietly on their little cots/mats/beds around the office. I love the noon break!

Doubt wisely; in strange way / To stand inquiring right is not to stray; / To sleep, or run wrong, is. (Donne, Satire III)

britomart's picture britomart Submitted by Guest on Tue, 01/29/2013 - 18:52

Yes, very true; much of my current dealings with Chinese culture would not work quite as well in a smaller city here. I had to adjust a great deal when I first moved to Beijing, after two years in Hubei province in a much smaller city.

Doubt wisely; in strange way / To stand inquiring right is not to stray; / To sleep, or run wrong, is. (Donne, Satire III)

odyssy's picture odyssy Submitted by Guest on Tue, 01/29/2013 - 15:42

britomart wrote:
These are funny to me--all things that I was told when I first arrived here, and tried diligently to observe. I have now learned:

1. You CAN criticize others in public--you just have to do it in a very "Chinese" way, smiling constantly, laughing a bit, expressing the criticism in such a way as to make the offending party feel that he can do (or not do) what you're asking, while still saving face. I am constantly criticizing colleagues, my dear wuye people, random folks on the street... It all has to do with how you criticize--and our direct Western manner doesn't cut it here.

2. You CAN say “no” directly--as long as you smile a LOT and are very, very nice. Sometimes you have to give a reason for your "no" (something very general), but most of the time you can just say "it's not convenient right now--how about next time?" (现在不太方便，我们下次吧) or "So sorry, but I have something to do" (真不好意思，我有事).

3. Occasionally it's strategic to use the noon break to your advantage--such as when you have to go register your residence at the local police station. I always time my arrival so I'm there about 10-15 minutes before their noon break. They're always extremely motivated to get me registered without asking any unnecessary nosey questions.

4. Dressing up here is very different from dressing up in Western countries. I've had I-don't-know-how-many Chinese bosses and colleagues over the past 13 years. Professional office attire ranges from dress pants/shirts to jeans/T-shirt to exercise attire. In formal meetings, suits may or may not be worn. As long as your apparel is clean, neat and generally doesn't warrant undue attention (i.e. skip the miniskirts, etc. if you want to be taken seriously), you're good.

5. Yes, don’t forget your name card when going to social events--that is, if you WANT to network. Occasionally, it's wise to strategically forget one's name card if one doesn't really want every Tom and Wang to be calling, texting, emailing, spamming for the next few days, weeks, months, years. It kind of depends on the social gathering, on whether they're the kind of people you would really want to be giving your contact info to.

6. You CAN avoid answering the private questions--Chinese do it all the time! I smile a lot, laugh occasionally, give vague answers, and quickly take charge of the question asking, i.e. Q: How much do you make? A: Oh, enough to live on. Everything's getting so damned expensive in Beijing now, though. A friend of mine just bought an apartment outside the 5th Ring--cost her xxx per square meter. Can you believe that? Do you own an apartment? When did you buy it? How much did it cost you? etc. etc. etc. It's all about grabbing that conversational ball and running with it.

7. It's ok to eat all your food in a restaurant--if you're with friends! When with friends, no one is all that concerned about appearances like that. It's only when at business meals or other formal banquets that you avoid chowing down, and leave a bit of food on your plate.

8. You CAN accept an invitation right away--if you're good friends! Again, it depends on how close you are! And it can also be tricky refusing a superior who's conferring a favor upon you by issuing the invitation. Occasionally they're expecting you to accept right away, because they know you're a Westerner, and don't do the "refuse three times" thing--and will be uncertain how to proceed when you refuse at first. It's a funny business, really; I often try to get around the confusion by laughing and then describing the cultural difference directly. It usually helps the relationship to do that, since it gets some of the cultural differences right out in the open so you can just laugh at them and move on.

9. Yes, don’t forget the seating chart--but only if you're in formal situations, and you're the one hosting the meal. With friends, it's kind of weird to be that concerned about positions, unless you're celebrating a special occasion for a friend and then want to make a big deal about it.

10. Yes, don't try to ask people on the street for directions. Look up stuff online in advance (with Google and Baidu maps, how can you go wrong?) When you're out on the streets hunting for your destination, stick to specifics like "Is Beixinqiao intersection near here? Do I keep going in this direction or turn around?" You can hedge your bets by asking three or four people and taking the majority opinion--of course waiting to ask for a second or third opinion until the first person you stopped is out of sight. :P

Strongly agree, and this reply is correct for current situations in major cities, like BSGSH (北上广深杭, Beijing-Shanghai-Guangzhou-Shenzhen-Hangzhou). The article is outdated.

In another hand, although the article posted is so old-fashined (happened in 80s), it still works in the medium & small cities and rural areas where few people have met foreigners. If you would be somewhere like that, keep the article in mind.

britomart's picture britomart Submitted by Guest on Tue, 01/22/2013 - 17:31

These are funny to me--all things that I was told when I first arrived here, and tried diligently to observe. I have now learned:

1. You CAN criticize others in public--you just have to do it in a very "Chinese" way, smiling constantly, laughing a bit, expressing the criticism in such a way as to make the offending party feel that he can do (or not do) what you're asking, while still saving face. I am constantly criticizing colleagues, my dear wuye people, random folks on the street... It all has to do with how you criticize--and our direct Western manner doesn't cut it here.

2. You CAN say “no” directly--as long as you smile a LOT and are very, very nice. Sometimes you have to give a reason for your "no" (something very general), but most of the time you can just say "it's not convenient right now--how about next time?" (现在不太方便，我们下次吧) or "So sorry, but I have something to do" (真不好意思，我有事).

3. Occasionally it's strategic to use the noon break to your advantage--such as when you have to go register your residence at the local police station. I always time my arrival so I'm there about 10-15 minutes before their noon break. They're always extremely motivated to get me registered without asking any unnecessary nosey questions.

4. Dressing up here is very different from dressing up in Western countries. I've had I-don't-know-how-many Chinese bosses and colleagues over the past 13 years. Professional office attire ranges from dress pants/shirts to jeans/T-shirt to exercise attire. In formal meetings, suits may or may not be worn. As long as your apparel is clean, neat and generally doesn't warrant undue attention (i.e. skip the miniskirts, etc. if you want to be taken seriously), you're good.

5. Yes, don’t forget your name card when going to social events--that is, if you WANT to network. Occasionally, it's wise to strategically forget one's name card if one doesn't really want every Tom and Wang to be calling, texting, emailing, spamming for the next few days, weeks, months, years. It kind of depends on the social gathering, on whether they're the kind of people you would really want to be giving your contact info to.

6. You CAN avoid answering the private questions--Chinese do it all the time! I smile a lot, laugh occasionally, give vague answers, and quickly take charge of the question asking, i.e. Q: How much do you make? A: Oh, enough to live on. Everything's getting so damned expensive in Beijing now, though. A friend of mine just bought an apartment outside the 5th Ring--cost her xxx per square meter. Can you believe that? Do you own an apartment? When did you buy it? How much did it cost you? etc. etc. etc. It's all about grabbing that conversational ball and running with it.

7. It's ok to eat all your food in a restaurant--if you're with friends! When with friends, no one is all that concerned about appearances like that. It's only when at business meals or other formal banquets that you avoid chowing down, and leave a bit of food on your plate.

8. You CAN accept an invitation right away--if you're good friends! Again, it depends on how close you are! And it can also be tricky refusing a superior who's conferring a favor upon you by issuing the invitation. Occasionally they're expecting you to accept right away, because they know you're a Westerner, and don't do the "refuse three times" thing--and will be uncertain how to proceed when you refuse at first. It's a funny business, really; I often try to get around the confusion by laughing and then describing the cultural difference directly. It usually helps the relationship to do that, since it gets some of the cultural differences right out in the open so you can just laugh at them and move on.

9. Yes, don’t forget the seating chart--but only if you're in formal situations, and you're the one hosting the meal. With friends, it's kind of weird to be that concerned about positions, unless you're celebrating a special occasion for a friend and then want to make a big deal about it.

10. Yes, don't try to ask people on the street for directions. Look up stuff online in advance (with Google and Baidu maps, how can you go wrong?) When you're out on the streets hunting for your destination, stick to specifics like "Is Beixinqiao intersection near here? Do I keep going in this direction or turn around?" You can hedge your bets by asking three or four people and taking the majority opinion--of course waiting to ask for a second or third opinion until the first person you stopped is out of sight. Blum 3

Doubt wisely; in strange way / To stand inquiring right is not to stray; / To sleep, or run wrong, is. (Donne, Satire III)

ICLchinanewzealand's picture ICLchinanewzealand Submitted by Guest on Mon, 01/21/2013 - 09:38

I agree that these suggestions do help with foreigners understanding the do's and don'ts of china but number 7 ...dont stick your chopsticks in a bowl of rice....even i had to explain this to my chinese students! not every body in china worries about this, or maybe its a hong kong thing where they are a little more superstitious (you know with their feng shui etc)
number 4 shouldnt be on the list，first, we foreigners find it difficult to get clothes to fit us when they are not ridiculously overpriced by our standards and more importantly the number of so called leaders and "important“ people who are scruffier than me (and im pretty scruffy by the way) would suggest that this "rule" has been made up by you high flying fashion conscious beijing types. clothes do not maketh the man! take people as they come...apart from that if you follow the other rules you shouldnt go far wrong. hope everyone has a nice spring festival by the way.

fammira's picture fammira Submitted by Guest on Sun, 01/20/2013 - 22:31

you forgor the most important one, be yourself wherever you are.... Angel

these rules do mirror chinese society quite well, but I am sure every one who is able to use common sense quite enough, will not be disregarded even tough he does not follow all of them that strictly

too many rules limit personal expression, and they make people look quite similar to each other, which is quite a pity in my opinion

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