The Ultimate Youku Horror Movie Guide for People Too Petrified to Leave Beijing for the Holidays

Hey, my friends! So, it’s time for the holidays, and everyone we all know is flying all around the world, going to exciting places with beaches, or skiing back home in quote “Europe” unquote, or going back to their terrible girlfriend’s or terrible boyfriend’s hometowns and things like that.

Which is ...? 

Uhhh.

Hey, dunno if you’ve guys have ever had this feeling:

Every time I go traveling to Borneo, Vietnam, Laos, Philippines, Indonesia, Tibet, Thailand, Chang Mai, Wuhan, Mongolia, Guilin, Tianjin, Suzhou, The Summer Palace, Shanghai, Sanlitun, Inner Mongolia, Full-On Mongolia, the Tiki Bungalow, the Beixinqiao Subway Station, CCCP, Vulcan, Narnia, Hogwarts, the Goddamn Shire, or wherever, I always – always – always, always, always – 

I always end up meeting this Australian with beaded dreadlocks wearing professional rock climbing shoes who invariably goes to the bathroom when the bill comes, and I have to pay for his green curry or whatever. You know this dreadlocks Australian bastard. He’s everywhere. What kind of a bastard does this. What kind of bastard has a pair of rock climbing shoes. What kind of bastard, I ask you.

Have you ever heard an Australian dreadlocks bastard, rock climbing shoes, green curry scammer bastard try to pronounce “Bob Marley”?

BAWYYWWB MAHHERLOIAYMATE.  NEXT ONES ON MEEE MATE.

*

Fuck traveling.

My huge plan for Chinese New Years Lunar Moon Landing Festival is staying home and putting on five, maybe 10 pounds. Staying home and putting on five or 10 pounds, and really getting to know myself.

But check this out, here’s what I’ve discovered pretty recently:

You know Youku?

It’s like a video service internet movie channel thing. I think it’s the thing “YouTube” was modeled after. They have terrible, terrible, terrible movies on there. For free streaming (!). Terrible, fantastic, awful, boring, suicidal, fantastic, majestic, groundbreaking, totally shit movies on it.

So, this article is about this: I can’t travel anywhere because I have a deathly phobia of Australians in extreme footwear who are green curry scammers. So I’m staying in Beijing and watching shit on the Internet. So in case you’re like me and you think Australians with aggravating footwear should be flung by their dreadlocks into the surface of the sun, I have a few movies to recommend! I’ve broken it down into some salient categories! 

Let’s do this.

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Osombie (2012)
(dir. John Lyde)

Link

Lay It on Us, IMDB:

“The story follows Dusty, a yoga instructor from Colorado, who is on a desperate rescue mission to save her crazy brother Derek, a conspiracy theorist who is convinced Osama bin Laden is still alive, despite having been buried at sea. In Afghanistan, Dusty falls in with a team of NATO special forces on a secret assignment. Turns out Derek is not so crazy after all, and that Osama has returned from his watery grave and is making an army of zombie terrorists. When the group crashes headlong into the growing zombie apocalypse, Dusty and the troops must find and destroy the root of the zombie insurgency before it infests the rest of the world."

Effects/Production Values:

Production values are quite high because zombie Osama is a fantastic idea, and someone, quite rightly, put a bit of money and effort into this. The film combines the two main bugaboos in modern cinema from the past decade and a half – terrorists and zombies – and it’s great to see them finally combined into one feature length film that is not insanely racist jingoist lunacy that we can all enjoy. It’s a thinker.

Gore Level: 

There’s a big red thing on the front of the poster with a giant “18” stamped into the middle of it, so that should give you an idea. There’s no swearing though. Weird. 

Best Death:

11:04.

Soldier character pops a pin on a grenade, shoves it into a zombie’s tunic, and then slow motion THIS IS SPARTA kicks him a good 10 feet. Explosion. Comeuppance. 

Like, how are you gonna get away with being Muslim AND undead? C’mon now. 

Best Lines:

“Hands up! Do NOT make me count ‘cause I will NOT get passed ‘ONE’!” (Took like six seconds to say this line.)

*

“Hey, why are there no Wal-Marts in Afghanistan? ‘Cause there’s ‘Targets’ on every corner.”

*

“If you bleed to death, I’ll be really pissed.”

*

Best Screen Shots:

I gotta say, every time zombie Osama is on screen, his presence just lights up the shot. 

Right?

To re-iterate. That is a zombie Osama bin Laden. Just to re-iterate. That is zombie Osama bin Laden. The movie is called “Osombie,” which is that guy’s first name PLUS the word “zombie.” Just so we’re all on the same page here.

I just couldn’t get tickets to go anywhere good for the holidays within my budget. 

This guy lost his shirt in Act I and was unable to locate a replacement the whole movie. Who’s complaining though!

Hey, Wait, Isn’t That:

Yep, director John Lyde – auteur of such Church of Later Day Saints-funded Trojan Horse classics, Church Ball and Midway to Heaven. Ugh. Now I feel a little dirty about this zombie bin Laden movie ... 

So ... Umm, Yeah But Is There Any Nudity?:

Nah, this is Mormon money. There’s not even any swearing. Just some good ole, down-home ultraviolence. 

How Much Is It a Total Waste of Time: 

Hey, you could be in Borneo or you could be watching zombie Osama, so I think we all know the answer to this one. 

***

Mega Python Vs. Gatoroid (2011)
(dir. Mary Lambert)

Link

Lay It on Us, IMDB:

“There's a crisis in the Florida Everglades as giant pythons are threatening the alligator population."

Effects/Production Values:

Uh, hey, this movie not only stars pop icon Debbie Gibson of 80s music superstardom fame but also pop icon Tiffany of the same fame as well! I shit you not. It’s got both Debbie Gibson and Tiffany in it – perhaps Mega Pythons and Gatoroids in their own right, when it comes to my tape collection circa 1985.

I think, though, that they blew their money securing these two enormous talents because the giant snake and the giant alligator are CGI’ed with sub-Star Trek Voyager-level technology. Seriously, it looks like I did it or something.

Debbie Gibson also needs a new colorist for her hair because she looks like a divorcee Quebecois in this movie. So ...

Gore Level:

Zzzzzz. No blood at all. 

Best Death:

It’s not really a death per se but Debbie Gibson and Tiffany get into a crazy huge brawl at the 57 minute mark that goes on forever and is absolutely incredible. It’s vicious. There’s hair pulling, cake throwing, heaving bosoms, tackling, fists rammed into each other’s faces – it eventually spills out into the water where the giant snake and crocodile are. Who get overshadowed.  It’s totally mental. Loved it.  

Guess who wins.

We all do, my friends. We all do ... 

Oh, and did I forget to mention that Micky Dolenz of The Monkees gets DEVOURED WHOLE by the Mega Python right before he’s about to sing a song! Because that happens at 60:34 and it is GLOR-E-OUS. 

Best Lines:

“These snakes need to be released back into their natural habitat, not run over by some murderer in a truck!” 

*

“Ooo, somebody had “Bitch” for breakfast!” 

Best Screen Shots:

Uh huh.

So ... Umm, Yeah But Is There Any Nudity?:

Meiyou. 

How Much Is It a Total Waste of Time: 

Well, the Debbie Gibson vs. Tiffany fight scene is worth it for sure. Mostly it’s kinda boring though. Kinda want to go download some Debbie Gibson and Tiffany songs though.

***

Shockwave AKA A.I. Assault (2006)
(dir. Jim Wynorski as Jay Andrews)

Link

Lay It on Us, IMDB:

“When a plane carrying a pair of top secret military robots crashes on a deserted Pacific island, a team of Navy seals must find them and turn them off as soon as possible for the longer they are activated, the smarter they become.

Effects/Production Values:

So, this movie is this: You know the Pixar movie, The Incredibles? It’s the same plot but murderous and violent. It’s the same mechanical monster thing, but instead of teaching you about the importance of “family” and “be yourself,” it’s got a bunch of people from Star Trek in it, and people are being disemboweled! 

Gore Level:

This film is so balls-out, the robot monster rips a guys head off within the first minute.

The FIRST MINUTE. Serious, this is him doing it.

Turbo sweet. That’s at the 00:50 mark. 

Best Death:

There’s so many. The key death, though, was my own soul and general hope for the future. My faith in humanity? That was a casualty. 

But, really best death was the guy getting his head ripped CLEAN OFF at the 50 second mark.

Like, we can only go up from there, you know. Or down from there. Or ... side to side from there. Or ... I don’t know where we can go from there.

Best Lines:

Military guy yelling at a scientist guy:

“OH! Just building giant mechanical war machines armed with every weapon known to science?
What could possibly go wrong? YEAH RIGHT.”

The military guy gets his head ripped off like 37 seconds later, proving his point explicitly.

He’s right ‘cause why on earth would you build a robot armed with “every known weapon to science”? Asking for trouble. 

Ever meet someone in a bar, like, hey what do you do? 

WORKING ON A PROJECT TO BUILD A ROBOT ARMED WITH EVERY KNOWN WEAPON TO SCIENCE. 

I’ve met several people like this at Cafe de la Poste. 

Best Screen Shots:

Blaaargg.

Hey, Wait, Isn’t That: 

Michael Dorn! Worf! Yes! Worf is in this! 

Is there a word in Kling’on that means “Fine, dammit, I’ll do it, just give me the damn check”? 

GAAA’ALLL TAG! 

So ... Umm, Yeah But Is There Any Nudity?:

Pretty much the only flaw for Shockwave is the lack of nudity, and said lack has been addressed on the film’s IMDB board. I defer to the critics:

*

jcole25 asks: Does Hudson Leick ever get naked? Can someone tell me is she takes her clothes off?

konam rejoins with: no, she doesnt and that makes zero reason to watch this pile o' crap

CorumJI finally adds some months later: She's probably not going to get naked unless the part really calls for it. So far, that's been in Denial and not much else. But grateful for that part are many, many men.

But I do agree that her body would make even a bad movie worth seeing. 

*

There you have it, my friends. 

How Much Is It a Total Waste of Time:

It’s not. Not at all. I wholeheartedly recommend this movie. And I think I speak for the Beijinger as a whole in this recommendation. I’m willing to stake the reputation of the magazine on this. 

***

2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)
(dir. Christopher Ray (as Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray))

Link

Lay It on Us, IMDB:

“Survivors escape to a deserted atoll after a Semester at Sea ship is sunk by a mutated two-headed shark. But when the atoll starts flooding, no one is safe from the double jaws of the monster as it eats fresh delicious women and men."

Effects/Production Values:

So, at this point I’d like to remind the Beijinger that I accept WeChat payments. For these services. I kinda like getting WeChat payments for things. Makes me feel really “future,” like I’m keeping up with human evolution and stuff. Feels good to change with the times.

But the production values of 2-Headed Shark Attack make my high school production of Tom Sawyer look like Avatar 69’ing The Matrix.

Gore Level:

Respectable. Lots of blood in the water. I was kinda typing up my resume while watching this, but I heard a lot of good screaming.

Best Death:

So the Two-headed Shark manages to come across two water-skiers who just happen to be waterskiing together behind their boat together, in tandem, at the exact convenient moment, for, say ...

... a TWO-HEADED SHARK TO EAT THEM. 

And then that happens.

So it’s a one in a million shot.

Best Lines:

“Looks like a bunch of sharks got a hold of this guy!”

***

“I saw you ladies checkin’ me out. Don’t act like I haven’t noticed.”

“Oh, we noticed alright – ya dick getting smaller!”

***

Hey, Wait, Isn’t That:

Yes! Charlie O’Connell! Brother of Stand By Me actor, Jerry O’Connell and star of season 4 of Sliders!  He’s also known for his appearance on The Bachelor, and he was also briefly in Dude, Where’s My Car.

Best Screen Shots:

I got nothing to really say about it. Here they are. 

So ... Umm, Yeah But Is There Any Nudity?:

I couldn’t really tell anymore. I wasn’t really watching it, I was looking for interesting-sounding university programs on the internet because I’ve got to make some real, concrete changes in my life.

God, what am I doing? Is it too late to go into “engineering”? Is that still a thing?

How Much Is It a Total Waste of Time:

Ugh. I got only one more of these fucking things left in me.

***

Supershark
(dir. Fred Olen Ray)

Link

Lay It on Us, IMDB:

“An offshore drilling accident releases a giant primordial shark. When the shark flies and walks on land threatening to turn a bikini contest into a bloodbath, marine biologist Kat Carmichael arrives to destroy the shark and save beach-goers. With time running out for beach loving humans, Carmichael recruits heroic skipper Chuck and fearless disc jockey Dynamite Stevens to help her blast the blood thirsty shark back to a watery grave."

Effects/Production Values:

Didn’t want to do two shark movies in a row, but this is the most insane thing you’ve ever seen, and it can’t really be beat. This movie has a giant primordial shark that flies and walks on land – it flies and walks on land – and then to combat this primordial threat, some scientists and military guys send a tank with legs to fight it – a tank with legs for some reason – and that happens.

So it’s a supershark that walks on land fighting a tank with legs. There’s no joke here, this is what happens. That’s what happens.

It’s so avant guard, I’m expecting the album out on Maybe Mars within the year.

Gore Level:

I’m literally barfing out of my eye sockets.

Best Death:

Okay. Here we go.

So the supershark is attracted to sound, right. Because whatever. So it’s chasing the main scientist lady down the beach, because she’s got a boom box blasting heavy metal music. The shark is attracted to the heavy metal music on this stereo. She runs into a cave, and then the shark chases her in the cave, but it can’t get too far in because it’s a supershark. It’s real big. Then, it opens it’s mouth and she tosses the boom box into it’s mouth, which is also loaded with C4 explosives – sorry forgot to mention that – and then she goes “NOW YOU’RE EXTINCT” – and then it blows up. 

The end. 

Best Lines:

“I made a vow to myself that I would ruin everyone responsible for Jimmy’s death. Somewhere along the way the lines got blurred.”

*

“Hey, you weren’t kiddin’ about sleeping in your car.”

“I never kid.”

*

“This is Dr. Carmichael. She’s a marine biologist. She’s already encountered this creature once and lived to tell about it. She’s gonna be crucial in planning our counter attack.”

Best Screen Shots:

Yuuuuup.

Hey, Wait, Isn’t That:

It’s got a guy who looks like Richard Grieco but isn’t Richard Grieco. Also, some people I recognize from Melrose Place but I’m not going to look it up because I’d rather curl up into a ball and wait for my Sherpa’s delivery. 

So ... Umm, Yeah But Is There Any Nudity?:

It only took my nine hours of watching these movies to realize that Youku censors the boobs.

How Much Is It a Total Waste of Time:

Could be worse! Happy holidays everyone!

Images: IMDB, Youku