Ich Bin Ein Beijinger: Hell Bent for Pleather
“Ich Bin Ein Beijinger” was a magazine column written by Kaiser Kuo that ran in every issue from October 2001 to October 2011. Kaiser offered one self-proclaimed Beijinger's take on the city that he's come to call home.
March 2004 - Okay, men: You’ve got the buckle loafers in faux alligator, the translucent nylon hosiery, two mobile phones, the ersatz Rolex on one wrist and the outsize Buddhist bead bracelet on the other. You’ve got the flat-top haircut and a respectably long pinky nail. What’s missing? That’s right – the one indispensable accessory for all you would-be dakuans out there: The men’s pleather clutch purse, or shoubao.
Nothing says laoban like that pleather clutch, tucked under your arm as the dwarf doorman shows you to your baojian at a swanky shark’s-fin-and-abalone restaurant. Nothing proclaims da ge more confidently than your trusty clutch, lying on the table between the song book and the fruit plate as you rock Xin Tai Ruan at the local KTV. Carry the right man-bag and the ladies know you’re a player, while the punks know not to step.
When selecting a pleather clutch purse that’s right for you, remember not to buy one that’s too small. It should be capacious enough to comfortably accommodate 30,000 yuan, both your mobile phones, your name card case, a 1998 daily planner, a Mont Blanc pen, a Zippo lighter, a spare pack of 555s, a deck of playing cards, brass knuckles, a small bottle of Erguotou or hip flask of Remy VSOP and – so you’re ready to rise to any occasion – a spray bottle of “Divine Oil.” But a good pleather clutch also has to be small enough to fit in the lockers at the sauna/massage place.
Not everyone can pull off the clutch purse look convincingly, and a real Beijing or Dongbei dakuan can spot a poser as easily as he can a counterfeit hundred yuan note. Work on the subtle things: The stoop-shouldered posture, the shuffling walk. Getting the cuffs of your pant legs to ride just up over your socks when you sit. A Zippo-trick flourish with every light of a smoke. Pinching your cigarette between thumb and forefinger and letting the smoke coil up and sting your eyes. Verbally abusing waitresses should food take more than three minutes to arrive.
Most crucial, of course, is phone etiquette. When you answer your phone, your wèi must never sound interrogatory. “Wéi?” is for little baby girly men. A real purse-clutching dakuan says it more like “wài”, with a falling, fourth-tone feel to it. Stretch it out, and end in a deep glottal rattle. Sneer when you say it, and go for that impatient, you’re-interrupting-me effect. Better still, if you’re with friends, look at the incoming number, sneer, and then hang up without answering and put the phone back into your shoubao, then answer the second call after six or seven rings as described above. Speak only in grunts.
For reasons still baffling to this writer, the shoubao has yet to really catch on in the so-called fashion capitals of New York, Milan, Paris and London. Surely it’s only a matter of time. Already, the man-bag has started making inroads among Russians – real men they, confident in their masculinity and ever on the cutting edge of fashion. One need only stroll through the very tony shops along Yabao Lu to see many respectable businessmen from Vladivostok and Novosibirsk sporting clutch purses that complement handsomely the leopard-print ensembles worn by the elegant ladies on their well-muscled arms.
When you’re ready for your own shoubao, head to the basement at Yashow in Sanlitun, or to the shops along the north side of Chaoyangmennei near the Longfusi market. Both locations offer a wide selection of clutch purses by name makers like Boss, Louis Vuitton, and Bright Peony. We’ll see you on the nightclub circuit, laoban!