Instant Ramen's Gonna Get You: Late-Night Noodle Misadventures

Three sleepless, oily nights into a week of all-nighters, enough was enough: there would be no more McDonald’s deliveries (or mailesong, as they like to call it). Partly due to Jamie Oliver’s “Anatomy of a Chicken Nugget” episode on his Food Revolution show, partly because you know it’s gone too far when you’re on facial-recognition terms with McDonald’s home delivery boys. In lieu of a midnight McFeast, I stumbled down to the convenience store to peruse the offerings: stale Bimbo, crumbly Oreos and a veritable goldmine of intriguing instant noodle options.

In my work-addled haze, three flavors seemed noteworthy: “Curried Tobiko,” “Goji Berry and Chicken Soup (buckwheat noodle)” and the “spin-out good taste!” option of “Cucina Della Nissan Seafood Marinara.” Unable to face them at 2.30am, I opted instead to sic them upon the Beijinger’s unsuspecting editorial team …

INTRIGUE #1: Dazhong “Curried Tobiko,” RMB 7.5
Handily arriving with instructions tucked into the bowl, Curried Tobiko whispered glimmers of caviar bliss beyond my wildest dreams. Beads of radioactive-orange roe were supposed to bedeck my noodles like diamonds on a perfumed courtesan. Instead, I got dull sequins on a washed-out showgirl, minute brown specks suspended in oily murk. The curry is more Japanese than Indian in odor, and strangely effervescent: like kissing someone with curry mouth rather than putting lips directly to the curry. “A Southeast Asian summer fling you’ll probably regret,” said our Arts & Culture editor.

INTRIGUE #2: Nissin “Goji Berry and Chicken Soup (buckwheat noodle),” RMB 4
Before it was a “superfruit,” goji berry was known as Chinese medicine staple – and less popularly, a fixture in my childhood pantry. Unfortunately, the packet was devoid of even dried wolfberries, much to my distress. Sadly wimpy and packet-soup-like, this noodle failed on both interest and flavor.

INTRIGUE #3: Nissin “Cucina Della Nissan Seafood Marinara,” RMB 8
Warranting a bona-fide spit-take is the most expensive noodle of the lot, with a flavor akin to dead squid on an unwashed tomato plant. It seems that a microwave (responsible for aforementioned “spin-out!”), however wondrous, cannot approach the dizzying heights of cooking pasta to al dente. This was the most polarizing option – one editor applauded it for audacity of flavor.

In summary, the Beijinger’s kitchen now smells like three-day-old curry squid, but it was cheaper than a delivered Big Mac. None of our contenders were a match for my personal standby – Mr. Kong’s shimianbafang zhajiangmian – at RMB 4.5, it’s worth a tumble.

All of the above noodles available at all good convenience stores.

Photos: Susan Sheng and Caishichang.de