Fashion 5-0: Bring Out the Animal in You

Thanks to the fashion bible that is the Calgary Sun, we found out that animal prints are “in” this season. Not just in the greater Alberta area, or even Canada at large (although both are fashion hothouses, that’s for sure). Beijing, too, is in on the craze with prints that are wilder than a box set of Animals Say The Funniest Things (which is also popular in Canada).

Everyone knows that the nicest smell in the world is that just behind a dog’s ear. Putting a dog on top of a human ear flips the script. You already knew you wanted to touch her earmuffs … now you want to smell her ear, don’t you? And that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is why fashion is to blame.

“Yo, this is X to tha Z, Xzibit, all the way up in Beijing, China pimping them rides, for real. We took short dog’s iron horse and straight twisted his whip, like you know how we do. Westside.” English translation: What a spiffy seat cover. It’s leopard, don’t you know.

Which came first: the startled-in-the-headlights look or the snazzy moose antlers?

Send answers on an e-card to thatwasmeanttobeajoke@keepup.com

Ancient folklore would have you believe that the powers of animals can be transferred to humans. Synthetic fabrics make this a reality for all. If you don’t believe in anthropozoöism, just check out this handplant. The man snowboards just like a tiger in the wild.

A poor, defenseless Dalmatian puppy has been slaughtered and then skinned to make a saddle cover. Disgusting. Throw paint on such saddles. Animals are people too.

What do we want? Justice.

When do we want it? Only after the supermodels pose for the nudie PETA campaigns.

The last word in the fur debate goes to this man’s hat. Beijing’s very own Davy Crockett made it himself. He outwitted the varmint and turned him into a snug trapper hat. That’s cooler than those deer heads mounted on your drawing room wall. Mark our words; urban hunting is going to be so big this year. You’ll never see another cat in the hutongs.

For those unfamiliar, the Care Bears were a worldwide phenomenon in those sugar high-filled days known as the 1980s. Their caring ways would beget rainbows and thwart the dastardly schemes of the evil No Heart. The Care Bears did not drink lager. If this young man asks you to rub his “tummy symbol,” don’t. Ever.

There comes a time in your life that you think: Why not? This is where such flagrant exhibitionism begins. It all ends 40 years later in Dongzhimen bus station, minus the jeans, shouting at strangers for chuan’r money. Flaunt it while you’ve got it, sister.

Combining designer labels and animal print is not an easy look for men to accomplish. This chap manages the difficult Louis Vuitton-cartoon crossover with gusto by capping it off with a Beijing take on Kanye West’s haircut. Give us a bear hug, you cuddly devil.