I Screamed, You Screamed, We All Screamed at Most of These Ice Creams
As a former scooper at US-based ice cream chain Cold Stone Creamery, I consider myself to be one of Beijing’s preeminent experts on all things frozen dairy products. So, who better to educate you about the particulars of Peking’s peculiar popsicles?
Hope you brought your sweet tooth, and you’re salty tooth, and your – what flavor is durian exactly? That tooth, too – because this is going to be a wild ride for the taste buds.
German Black Beer
To be honest, given the quality of some of the “German” black “beer” that one comes across in Beijing, we anticipated that this would be among the worst flavors we tried, but it ended up being one of the best.
Coming in a half-assed attempt at the shape of a beer bottle, this ice cream hits you with a typical chocolate flavor, followed by a savory, quite beer-like aftertaste from the brown-colored filling.
Our rating: 88 out of 99 beers on the wall.
Meat floss and seaweed ice cream
Here’s an ice cream that will give you flashbacks to images of undercooked “hot dogs” plopped into soft bread and topped with bits of pork and fish thinner than human hair.
At first, it looks like an innocent bar of ice cream, perhaps with some sort of flavored sprinkles inside but it tastes... like meat floss and seaweed. As advertised. Blech.
Our Rating: 4 out of 5 dentists would not recommend flossing with this creamsicle.
Ice cream for breakfast: eggs and more eggs
Salted duck egg seems to be quite the trend in the ice cream world, these days.
First up, the “salted duck egg rice cake dumpling” ice cream. Rather than in bar form, these came in two cute little bun shapes, and we are pretty sure that the inside is a real duck egg yolk! Points for authentic ingredients, demerits for tasting exactly like cat food.
Our rating: 1 out of 2 dandan.
Then we tried the “double egg yolks” ice cream bar. This was essentially a toned-down version of the cake dumpling – more artificial, but also far more tolerable on the tongue.
Our rating: 6 out of 10 unborn ducklings.
Bursting Durian
Yes, it’s the flavor you’ve been waiting for. You can smell this ice cream as soon as it’s out of the packaging, and the flavor is even stronger. Then, once you reach the gooey, green inside, it’s even stronger. Ultimately, your opinion of this ice cream will be determined by your opinion of durian, because the taste is spot on.
Also, your burps will taste like durian, even if you tried six other ice creams in the same sitting.
Our rating: 1 out of 50 durian fruit spikes.
Release the Kraken (from my mouth): Squid-flavored ice cream
If you like squid – it doesn’t matter. This ice cream does not taste like squid. It tastes like a squid threw up into a vat of cream and froze the resulting concoction onto a stick. Please do not make the mistake of eating it.
Our rating: 2 out of 10 tentacles.
Cheese ice cream
Dairy plus dairy. What could go wrong? As it turns out, nothing. With hints of strawberry and a subtle enough cheese flavor, this ice cream is downright delicious. Do give it a try if you get the chance.
Our rating: 9 out of 10 swiss cheese holes.
Dongbei iron pot ice cream
One of the more interesting new ice creams on the market, this little pie actually boasts one of the highest quality creams of the bunch. Unfortunately, it is mixed with more meat floss and some sort of cooked vegetables, a blending that anyone with a functional palate should have known wouldn't jive. We’re guessing it’s a result of corporate groupthink gone wrong.
Our rating: Too many chefs out of 1 kitchen.
Doughnut ice cream – in the shape of doughnuts!
Thinking of putting a ring on it? Forget the expensive diamonds, these ring-shaped sweets are just RMB 34. Admittedly, they taste nothing like doughnuts, but the colorful insides have a light, fruity sweetness and they are fun to try and squeeze onto your fingers.
Our rating: 7 out of 8 Homer Simpson fingers.
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Images: Joey Knotts, Zhihu, QQ
