Ministry of Culture: A Sad Sunday With Marty McFly

Ministry of Culture sits the back page of our magazine and is a small peek into one man's search for culture in Beijing, usually from the comfort of his couch.

Beijing, my friends, here we are again, you and I, the back page of the magazine, the palace of wisdom, the 600 words or so where we bring it all home and drop a little much-needed perspective on things. In your two sweaty shaking hands, you’re wrapping up the Beijinger’s official take on the concept and execution of “Sunday in Beijing,” the theme of this issue. Now, presumably, I assume, I would imagine, I would surmise, by this point, you’ve learned all you need to learn and know all you need to know about failed masturbation sessions and the Back to the Future trilogy, which are basically the only two things you should have scheduled on Sunday, in Beijing or anywhere else in the universe, if you had any sense in your life.

Of course, I haven’t read the editorial yet for this issue, but “Sunday in Beijing” – what else is there to it besides attempting, over and over again, persistently, resolutely, fully resolved – and failing profoundly over and over again – to masturbate and also filling out the rest of the day, in an unrelated matter, watching all three Back to the Future movies back-to-back?

Brunch? Pfffth. Day trips? Nuts to that. Casual group sports leagues? C’mon, guy. Don’t waste my time!

It’s all about just blasting though your weekend at 1.21 gigawatts – or “jigawatts,” if you’re one of those – horny, depressed, out of shape, and entertained.

Now, kind reader and dare I say true friend, allow me the opportunity here to impart a little insight into my own life, the life of a professional expat magazine scribe, the life of a lifestyle journalist, a humble and dutiful employee of your Beijinger magazine:

When it comes to masturbating to varying degrees of success and completion, and shotgunning the entire Back to the Future trilogy in one sitting, for me – every day is like Sunday.

Every day is silent and grey!

In this seaside town. They forgot to bomb.

Come, armageddon. Come, armageddon; nuclear war.

How much longer is he going to go on about this, you wonder? How much longer is he going to be beating this dead horse? Slogging through the motions? (If I had to eyeball it, for about 150 more words. I’m a professional. I can do this all day. There’s nine words right there.)

I guess you could also do your laundry. Or go to Element Fresh. Or read the Beijinger on the can. Or surf Taobao for a Halloween costume. Or walk your dog. Or surf Taobao for a Halloween costume for your dog. Or go grocery shopping. Or catch up on emails. Or sculpt. Or paint. Or call your old college roommate. Or vacuum. Or change your profile picture on all your social media. Or succeed 100 percent at masturbating and watching the entire Fast and the Furious franchise, which is something I haven’t been able to pull off in about 10 years – a real young man’s game, if there ever was one. Or write the back page of a magazine.

Keep the dream alive, Beijing! Don’t ever stop shooting for the stars! ‘Cause you know Monday is right around the corner.

I don’t like Mondays. (Tell me why!)

This article first appeared in our magazine. To read the entire September/October issue online, please click here.

Photo: galeri.com