Materialize your Olympic Dream

If you think you’ve already had enough of the Olympic hype, you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet. With the one-year-away mark just around the corner, you –- my poor, beleaguered resident of Beijing -- shall be increasingly smothered by Olympic this and Olympic that in the coming months.

Not only does China have ambitions to rake in a record number of medals, control the weather for the games, and generally have the best Olympic Games ever, it also aims to generate the most revenue from the games ever as well, hoping to clear a modest 16 million in profits over expenditures that are forecast to top USD 2 billion.

You can do your part by "materializing your Olympic dream", as one officially-licensed Olympic tourist trap has so aptly put it. And lo and behold, your choices are not limited to cutesy "fuwa" mascot dolls and t-shirts, either. That’s fine for the children and the ladies, but what is a man to do? Well, bling out, for god’s sake!

Any man would be proud to sport the official Olympics logo on their man bag. And this ain't no polyvinyl rip-off -- this is the genuine article, leather so real it'll send shudders down the spine of official Paralympics cow mascot Le Le. At only RMB 570 it's an accessory that no modern man in Beijing can afford to be without.

What better to accompany your man bag but a gaudy pinky ring? This little gold number etched with the pictograms that represent each Olympic sport will compliment your carefully-trimmed pinky nail with flair, giving you that look that screams success. And for only RMB 88, you can't afford not to accessorize with this.

You’ll be the talk of the town with your 18-karat gold-plated Olympic edition cell phone that Samsung has planned especially for China in 2008. Elevator passengers city wide will melt with jealousy when they see you with this baby pressed up against your ear, screaming "WEI? WEI? WEI? I CAN’T HEAR YOU, I’M IN AN ELEVATOR!" Nothing quite says “I have nothing better to do with my money” than a first-class accessory like this. No word on the release date or price points, but as far as we're concerned, the more expensive, the better.

If you're the type that will buy any sort of Olympic crap out there, you'll be happy to hear that scientists in Chengdu are hard at work at trying to turn panda feces into Olympic souvenirs. According to Reuters, the panda poo is mostly undigested bamboo pulp and has already been sculpted into "photo frames, bookmarks, fans and panda statues out of the 300 tonnes of the stuff produced by 60 giant pandas each year."

Discriminating shoppers not interested in shitty sculptures might want to procure for themselves a limited-edition set of cutesy mascots made entirely of jade, for sale for a mere RMB 290,000 (USD 38,158). Once you make your purchase you can revel in the fact that only 2,008 sets of the little buggers will grace the planet, and you can join an exclusive club of owners that includes lifetime honorary IOC chairman Juan Antonio Samaranch (who was given a complimentary set) and the first person to actually shell out cash for the goods, Zhao Yunkui.

Links and Sources:
Reuters: Olympics-China seeks profit from panda poo
Chinese Embassy in the USA: Beijing 2008 to set new record for revenues
Official 2008 Olympics Website: Worldwide issue of jade Fuwa limited to 2,008 sets
China Daily: Official Olympics gear now just a click away
Associated Press: Gold-plated phone planned for Olympics